Healing from childhood sexual abuse
I want to relate some of my life, knowing that there are others that have gone through similar, and many times, far worse experiences. I do this in the hope that it will perhaps offer healing for those who carry wounds.
My mother raised five children by herself, three boys and two girls. We lived most of my childhood in a small river town of 1,200 people in Northern California. In many ways, growing up along a river was idyllic. Wintertime there was flooding, which as a boy I naturally loved. Summers were spent mostly in and on the river. I was swimming in the river by the time I was five, this being my all time favorite activity and still is, though I do not swim in the rivers here in Alaska, where I now live.
I can still remember how I felt as a young child of four, I had such an intense longing for my father, I didn't really know him and would only see him a few times a year. I found out years later he was not my natural father, but as an adult, he and I grew close and he became the father I had always desired.
As a young child, I was befriended by an older man. He fulfilled much of the longing I had for a father. I grew to love this man and learned many things from him. He was the best swimmer I have ever known, a very good artist and had a dog named Shadow, a great dog, full of life and always ready to hop into the river with you. Unfortunately, this man, Chester Simms was a sexual predator, a child molester and he began to sexually molest me. This started when I was eight and stopped when I was twelve, after he was sent to prison.
Several children in my town were abused by this man, but only one child told his parents about it. Pedophiles really understand children, better than most parents and child psychologists. They do not just randomly pick out a child to abuse, they hunt their prey, they chose children who are vulnerable and who they know will keep their secret. I think many people who have been abused in the past are not aware of this and tend to blame themselves for the abuse.
First, in a non-sexual manner, they love you and you love them. You trust them and want to be with them. In their own twisted way they care for the child, they are convinced that the child wants to have sex with them, in their minds, the child seduces them. This sincerity is another trap for the child, you believe the person means you no harm, it is easy to detect when an adult is being false with you, but Pedophiles are generally reprobates and have no conscience, they believe they are in a loving relationship with a child. This is another trap for the child, encountering an adult who hurts them, but the adult believes they have a loving relationship with you.
Something that should not come as a surprise to anyone, though not much is ever said about, you like the sexual experience you are having. You know you should not be doing this, but you continue. For most pedophiles, it is not a problem keeping the child from talking about what is going on. As a child, you know what you are doing is wrong, but you like it and you are also too ashamed to tell anyone. In my case, I was thrust into an adults world, I was sexualized at eight and did not have the adult coping skills or judgment to know what to do. Again, this is where a pedophiles' predator skills come into play, he understands children and he knows which ones to seduce. What pedophiles do is rape, but most accomplish their purpose through seduction and not overt force.
The effects of childhood sexual abuse are often carried throughout a persons life. It is when we are children, that we learn how to behave in adulthood. Being sexualized as a child greatly distorts understanding our sexual nature. Most people who have gone through this, frequently have difficulty with intimacy. Trust, which is critical for closeness is hard to maintain. The children, as adults, continue to carry the secret guilt and shame and some are unable to maintain long-term healthy relationships, sexual or otherwise. There is no one set behavior pattern for adults that have gone through childhood sexual abuse. Please understand that I am not a trained clinician, I write only about what I experienced, what I have learned in talking with others who have lived through similar circumstances and studying.
For me, healing began when I became a Christian at age 21. By the time I had reached this age, I was an angry, bitter young man. I had witnessed and experienced too much evil since my childhood to any longer care for, or be around people. I was completely disillusioned by what I saw as hypocrisy and cruelty in others. I knew the reality of evil in the world, but had no knowledge of God and His goodness and love. This all changed for me when I was told about the Gospel of Jesus, how He paid for my offenses by His death and how His resurrection conquered death. I asked God to enter my life and gave myself to Him, surprisingly, my bitterness was gone. The more I studied the Bible and learned about God, I became convinced that forgiveness of others was essential to receiving forgiveness for myself and also for my spiritual, physical and emotional health.
In my mid-twenties, I wrote to the man who had molested me as a child and told him that I had forgiven him for what he had done to me. I DID NOT CONDONE what he had done, rather, in spite of the terrible crime and harm he had inflicted on me, I chose to forgive him. This man, now in the last years of his life, wrote back a very lengthy letter and, rather than acknowledge that he had done anything wrong, in fact justified his behavior towards me and other children he had molested. He looked at himself as an innocent and as someone who had been victimized by both children and authorities. He was a true reprobate, his conscience seared beyond comprehension.
I have never hated this man, as a child, I had loved him and I will not hate him now. That he was an evil person, there is no doubt, but if I had not forgiven him, he would have continued to have power over me. My choosing to forgive, enabled me to escape many of the consequences of this abuse. However my marriage of 21 years failed, in part, from intimacy issues that I ignored out of long held shame and fear.
I am now able to speak openly about the harm done to me, I am free from the guilt and shame that was placed on me, in large part because I chose to forgive the person responsible. I believe that forgiveness is essential for complete healing, as are honesty and openness. Talking and sharing with a few trusted friends, clergy and, or counselor are also critical parts of the healing process. If abuse is something in your past that you have kept buried, I encourage you to contact a state or local agency in your area for information on help available. It may be difficult to seek help, but you are not alone and there are people who understand and will support you.
For whoever reads this, understand that while we may feel shame at what happened to us during our childhood, the shame is not ours. The person responsible for the abuse is where the shame belongs. It was NEVER our shame. This is just more abuse, remember that part of an abusers tactics are blaming the person being abused. I think this is also true for those who are abused as adults.
Many people who have gone through serious abuse do not forgive their abusers, they only want them punished. I do not advocate letting abusers continue, I support long term incarceration of pedophiles, short of death, I know of no other way to prevent child molesters from continuing with their predations, but forgiving the offender helps us to get past our own injuries. Personal forgiveness towards another does not mean that the offender will not be punished by civil authorities, what it does for us is that we are freed from bonds which were attached to us by the abuser. The abuser no longer has ANY connection with us.
The abuse in my past does not define who I am, while it definitely affected my life, it is a small part of what makes me who I am. What most defines me is my relationship with God, the Love He has for me and the incredible care that He has had for me throughout my life.